Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Wearing the Pants

Meanwhile, back at the ranch...
Opening credits
Interior: Upper middle class ranch style home in New Rochelle. Door opens and Dick Van Curtainer enters to be greeted by his wife, Mary Tyler Curtainer. After giving him a welcoming kiss, she indicates that they have guests, i.e. Paul "Buddy" Kinsey and Peggy "Sally" Olsen, sitting on the couch. Straightening his tie, he walks towards them, hand extended. Unfortunately, an ottoman is in his path and he trips over it. Mary, Paul and Peggy move towards him in concern as he lies on the floor, his arms and legs sticking out in impossible angles. Their concern turns to alarm when he does not move, his face contorted into a ghastly rictus. As Peggy tries to console the sobbing, nearly hysterical Mary, Paul calls the paramedics.
Superimposed over this final scene are these words: "Over 95 percent of all accidents occur in the home. Please be careful. A message from the Ad Council and this station"

End opening credits.

Kitchen of Rob and Laura Peachtree. Early morning. Sitting at the table, their only son, Itchie, eats his toast and cereal, reading the box. Enter Rob Peachtree, shirt, tie and jacket shoes and socks, but no pants.

Rob: Honey, honey?...Itchie, have you seen your mother?

Itchie shrugs, his eyes never leaving the cereal box. Enter Laura Peachtree, clad in capri slacks and a tasteful blouse.

Rob: Oh, there you are! Honey, have you seen my pants?

Laura: Oh Rob! Everyone knows that I wear the pants in this family! (Big laugh)

Rob: Very funny. Why don't you just drag your fat ass down to that hellhole they call a city then and work for that slave driver, Alan Sterling?

Laura (In tears): Oh Rob!

Rob (repenting) I'm sorry, honey. I know I shouldn't take it out on you, but that bastard's been busting my hump so much lately over this Lucky Strikes account, I feel like I'm ready to explode. On second thought, forget about my pants... Where's the liquor?(He begins rummaging desperately through the cabinets, refrigerator and even the oven)

(Even Bigger laugh and applause)

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